Aaron Nieson

My fellow Americans,

I’m speaking to you today because we have the privilege to be the stewards of a new age for our great nation and the world. We today must be brave and bold. As stalwart as those who first sailed across the vast oceans with nary a hope of survival.

Since the dawn of the human race, man has looked to the stars with wonder and awe. We have marvelled at the beauty of the celestial bodies and pondered the possibility of life beyond our earthly constraints. We now know that we are not alone.

The emissary of the…Glopglops…has assured us that they come in peace and wish nothing more than to build a relationship of understanding and mutual respect. We wish the same.

Yes, the Glopglops may look and feel like giant marshmallow peeps and sound like a tea kettle whistling in a blender, but we have more in common with them than different. And their marvelous technology could wipe out our entire solar system in an instant. Not that they would, of course.

…But they did make sure to mention it.

So we welcome our new partners and look forward to a human/glopglop friendship that will last until the end of time. Which, I’m told, they can also travel through, which is just…super.

Thank you for your time, my countrymen and women. Heaven help us.